Student sees self as a prisoner to homosexuality!
Editors note: This article was submitted to the Pittsburgh Standard asking
the name not to be printed. The Standard accepts publishing anonymous
articles with Psuedonames.
Homosexual Prisoner
For the Pittsburgh Standard
I really, really hate days like
today. It is the Fourth of July weekend, and it should be a time of
jubilant celebration, of enjoying a day off, and of having fun. Up to a
few hours ago this was the case. Having met a friend of mine and being
introduced to a friend of his, we decided to go see a movie.
So, what movie could possibly be
worth seeing on the Fourth?
No, not Fahrenheit 9/11 but
Spiderman 2 would be worth seeing!
What could be more American than
Spidy swinging from buildings?
The movie was a rare mix of good
plot, excellent character development, outstanding acting by Toby
McGuire, action and a love story.
I felt miserable
walking out of that movie and wanted to find a hole to crawl into.
I walked out of that movie having
been reminded that the loving relationship shared by the main characters
in the movie is something that I can not experience right now: a
relationship between a man and a woman.
I became aware in my
teens of my attractions towards other guys but it wasn’t until I started
college that I could truly understand and admit to myself that I am gay.
I have never had a relationship, physical or otherwise, with another man
but the desire is there. As a pathetic substitution, I turned to the
internet and started an addiction with internet pornography that to this
day I still fight. I lose daily, multiple times. I have only ever
confessed this to a few people, those being the pastor of my church and
the support group for sexual temptation that I attend.
Having admitted, abet anonymously,
that fact that I have these feelings to a
group of readers that maybe predominantly Christian, I would expect two
groups of reactions.
There is the first group. First
reaction: Love the sinner, hate the sin. Followed instantly by the,
“You can change if you really wanted to,” crowd. It’s been my
experience that most of those in this group tend to see homosexuality in
very simplistic terms and rely on the change argument to pacify their
conscious. To most in this group homosexuality is seen as a free will
choice, and for some people I wouldn’t doubt that. The problem is, I
would suspect, that for a good many homosexual people out there that is
not the case. I also concede that there are those who have experienced
a dramatic shift in there homosexuality, but the Church’s insistence to
latch on to the ‘change doctrine’ and hang on for dear life creates a
problem in that it tries to duck tape a solution without ever really
dealing with the root problems.
The second group would
most likely respond with the, “That’s the way you were created/developed
in the environment you grew up/chose to be so live with it and embrace
your sexuality. Twist the Bible around, and play fast and loose with a
few translations and your guilt free and all set.”
Yet to me that position has
problems too. I do not want to just have sex with someone; I want to
have a deep relationship with a person. No disrespect to my friends,
but I just cannot get that form of relationship from another guy. Men
and women are wired differently in both intellectual and emotional
patterns and I know that another man would not fill the void.
So where does that leave me?
It leaves me typing at a keyboard
in the morning because I am too sad, angry and lonely to really get a
good night sleep.
Why do I feel so trapped?
I pray that the desires I have for
men would be replaced with ones for women but that has not happed, yet I
cannot really convince myself that just living in the world would
fulfill me any better.
Why do I feel so alone?
It is because I cannot trust most
people to understand. Most of you reading this have your binary polar
positions that really get us nowhere.
To the first group I say that you
need to understand some things. When I am standing in a group of
Christian people and the word gay and f** is thrown about in a
derogatory manner, realize something. Not only have you just sinned,
not only have you just demented and belittled another human being, not
only have you lowered yourself down, you more than likely made someone
else feel three inches tall. Having experienced this many times myself,
it is not fun. Also understand that you can talk about change of
orientation until you are blue in the face, the cows do come home and
the cat jumps over the moon, but there is a long disconnect between
talking about change and making it happen. The problem with the change
position is that I am not sure everyone can, even if they really want
to.
Does that mean that God is not
working in their lives?
I do not know. I look at it from
this point of view. When Jesus told the woman at the well to stop
sinning, we are not told, and I concede it is possible, that Jesus
removed her adulterous desires and she returned home and became a model
example of chastity and commitment to one relationship. Stop sinning
for her meant stop sleeping around. Stop sinning for me means to stop
lusting after other men. For some it may even mean actually not having
sex with members of the same gender. But far many prominent Christians
have somehow brow beaten the notion that if you even have homosexual
desires then you’re still sinning.
To the second group, I’m going to
just say this. You know! When you are quiet, when you are alone and
you are really thinking or connected with God, you know! And do not
tell me you do not know! I know that you know! Many, many homosexual
relationships fall apart because the partners cannot in the long term
provide the connection that both parties need. Short term, sure, nobody
likes to be alone! And hey, I am sure the sex is great! But the reason
that 90% of homosexual relationships are not monogamous probably would
seem to indicate that most homosexual relationships are missing
something that can only be filled by finding other partners.
I do have to say here that I feel
like an idiot writing this. I have learned over time that making
decisions when I’m depressed is not a very good idea. Deciding to write
this may be a very bad idea. But d*** it, I’m tired of being in this
limbo. I decided to start writing this after I searched on Google for
anybody else out there who feels the same way I do. Most of the
conservative Christian sites that deal with homosexuality such as
‘Bridges Across’ appeared to have come into existence around the year
2000, were actively updated until 2002, and then all the maintainers of
the sites appear to have been sucked into a crack in the space-time
continuum never to be heard from again. On the other hand, the more
liberal sites appear to be popping up like wildfire.
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